Me, with Asperger Syndrome

    In December, 2013, news circulated around the World about Susan Boyle. Specifically, that it was confirmed she had been  diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. Since then, some mass media were highly interested in presenting this ‘Syndrome’ to the wider public. Some succeeded, some did not.

    I know something about it. I too had my two words on topic, and I too was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, also called ‘Aspie’ for short. I prefer ‘Intelligent Autism’, a title I know was used on Polish Wikipedia, many years ago. If You ever ask me ‘What it is like to be a person with Asperger Syndrome?’, I will tell You there is no one, simple answer. It’s not like in these brain degenerated ads that say You can loose weight or look younger, using one weird tip, and which just play on Your hubris and stupidity to make You waste Yourself while donating large sums of cash to whoever spreads that trash. And there is a reason why there is no one, simple answer – Despite having similar symptoms, people with Asperger Syndrome are different. There are no two similar Aspies. We all have different backgrounds, different personalities and different ways to see the world.

            I once participated in a training group for Aspies, and there one could see how different we are. There was one who was 29, but acted like a 15 year old, one who could never shut up and turned everything into a boring lecture, one whom one I guess had to interrogate, in order to make a dialogue, and a girl who had no trouble in criticizing others, especially for their vaults. Compared to them, I got a feeling I was the least affected by Asperger Syndrome. And yes, I know people with Asperger Syndrome have tendencies toward ‘I am surrounded by Idiots!’ thinking. Though in my case, this thinking was somewhat specific.

            I do not know why I am writing this right now. But I guess since I have already started, there is no turning back. I shall tell You what it is like to be affected with ‘Intelligent Autism’, based upon my own life experience.

            I will not tell You what Asperger Syndrome is in full details, because that You can read about it for Yourself on the Internet. I can, however, show You it’s relation to Autism Spectrum Disorder. According to an old article from many years ago it is something like this:

Normal-Functioning Being -> Asperger Syndrome -> Classic Autism -> Hegl’s Syndrome -> Rett’s Syndrome-> Broccoli

That’s what it looked like. I added ‘Broccoli’ at the end to show the level of severity of disorders present. It’s pretty clear people with Asperger Syndrome are way more lucky than people with the other three disorders. Though it still does not mean life for them is easier. And that’s because they are well-aware of what is going on around them, while the other three are just ‘locked’ in their own spheres.

            First, I shall tell You how Asperger looks like in my case. Number one is what some call ‘Mind Blindness’. It means that people with Asperger Syndrome lack a certain centre in their brains, responsible for proper reactions to specific situations. In other words, I can hurt or insult someone and not even realize it unless somebody informs me of the fact. Or act in a rude way without ever seeing it. Of course, some people already know that because of ‘trolls’ who act like jerks and use it as an excuse…. Like I said earlier, we Aspies are different from each other, and even if it is true what the supposed to be ‘trolls’ say, it still hurts me that because of such people no one even tries to make a longer conversation with me, to see what kind of person I really am.

            Second, I have trouble understanding things said between lines. You probably know that Aspies cannot understand jokes easily – well, this is the case. Though it somewhat subverted, while I can laugh at good jokes or anecdotes, the problem starts when people start talking to me with a lot of jokes thrown between a normal speech. My father keeps baffling me all the time, because he loves throwing jokes between lines. I tried talking like him a few times, but decided I will never talk with people like him. In fact, some of You had seen this symptom in action – after one comment under of my photographs, I asked with anger what was that supposed to mean because for me that comment was an insult and not a joke. This is why whenever I have a chance, I advice people to choose their words carefully, and take time to get used to the way Aspie speaks. I guarantee You, on longer term it works.

            Third, I have difficulties understanding and expressing emotions. Nowadays it’s a little easier for me, but that's only because I gained enough experience to finally learn how to recognize certain feelings. It’s still tough sometimes, though. My former boss was hard to comprehend, because he always had that face as if he wanted to suffocate someone. It was kinda hard to see him as a nice guy senior employees described him to me. I had to admit, he kept me in an uneasy state whenever he was passing by. As for expressing emotions… well, do You have to ask? I keep an emotionless face, I hardly smile, mostly because I have no reasons to smile, and…well… I wish I could share a tear. I use sad music to help myself to express sadness, but tears… I do not remember when I shared a tear for the last time. I would like to know what it is like when a tear runs down a cheek.

            Fourth, I despise lack of order, chaos, jumping from one topic to another and doing anything in a rushed manner. Every job I do must be in order, with all duties clear and without any doubts, and when I receive a task to do, one must state clear and sound, what and how to do it. This notoriously causes lack of initiative to do something on my own, because I do not know how the surrounding will react to my ideas. And if I do show initiative, usually it’s something insignificant.

            Number five, I suppose, most of You already know – very narrow, specific hobbies and interests. And while it is actually true, I do not think it is that true. I mean, just recall all the stuff I have submitted or mentioned here, on Deviantart. Many of them even bust certain myths – like that we are clumsy. Well, If I could get a PADI license and bring life to 5 cm tall figurines, that certainly means this whole clumsiness part needs to be more detailed, before it can be considered as a trait. As for the hobbies, I would rather call them ‘Target Fixations’ or ‘Crippling Overspecializations’, because that’s what they are – You become so dedicated to what You like that You quickly loose the whole picture, or limit Yourself in other spheres.

            And finally, number six, there are things that easily irritate me or affect me in a very negative way. I hate unnecessary noises (like pointless quarrels) or certain sounds, I despise signs of laziness, and I am easily infuriated by people who pretend they know better.

            Well, we came back to the way too familiar part, don’t we? Well, needless to say, sometimes what we do on the Web reveal our real self – and unfortunately most people fail to see it. And this makes certain matter more difficult for those like me than they have to be? Why? Well, in my comic book I listed four major, national flaws of my Nation: Alcoholism, Small Ego Big Ego, Historically based Lack of Respect to the Law and Pettifogging. And needless to say, of these four, the second one is the worst. I mean really, they make me wonder what would have been if I was not born a Pole. I do not understand why are they doing that. The situation is even worse when such people are either group admins or group contributors.

    As I said, all I say or do is mostly based on experience, since I can’t trust emotions. And we have another experience. Contributors first declining one of my work, then on question why gave arguments that barely made any, and once their arguments were questioned, accused me of wanting to pettifog. Because I really do not have more important things to do, like trying to live in a big city on my own – something most Aspies and their parents wouldn’t even try nowadays. And because, when I do reviews and critics, I am just and honest to the point of being brutal, cruel and merciless. As you might guess, people with small name but big ego do not take such things too well. For that contributor experience, the guy stated he declined my work because I did not use a shading technique called ‘Hatching’. Hatching? For a pencil drawing? To make a good shading on a pencil drawing, all You need is enough graphite, a blending stump, a rubber and that’s it. Nothing special. And besides, have You ever seen shadows in real life that look like a set of straight lines, parallel to each other? I certainly didn’t. But try explaining that to a Contributor, who just because he is an arts student thinks he knows better than someone who is self-taught, and bases everything on his personal experience, and actually sees his work as challenges targeted at becoming better in what he is doing. More, add to the fact this Contributor represents a country, where about 56% of population has difficulty understanding an average-qualify three page long text, and where around 30% of population believe there is such a thing as ‘TNT ions’. You will make a facepalm strong enough to kill Yourself – especially when both of Your parents are chemists, and chemistry was Your favourite subject at school, second only to history.

    To me, this is a kind of situation that gives me ‘I am surrounded by Idiots!’ feeling. Because I do not understand this kind of action. Deviantart is a giant trash can, no kind of quality control would change that. Especially when it becomes clear You can no longer realize where effort was really put, and where it wasn’t. And it’s not limited to just Polish groups – DrawersLife did it notoriously too. Some of their choices were so weird and made little sense, that it made me wonder if they choose ‘Accepted/Declined’ by a roll of dice. I wish somebody could explain me that without any Idiotballs, but I already know this will never happen.

    I think I told You personally what kind of a person with Asperger Syndrome I am. Though if You want a better picture, I suggest You try talking to me personally. If You wonder if I can imagine life without Asperger, or if You can help me, I will tell You this – Asperger Syndrome is not a disease, neither it is a disorder. It’s a kind of personality, And I do not see why I should be treated as abnormal, and You should be treated as normal people. You are not any normaller than me, and I do not feel sick or in need to be cured. If I were not an Aspie, all the things I showed you here on Deviantart never would have existed, my life would be boring, I would be nothing. I am an Aspie, and I am OK with that. If You have a problem with that, Shut up. You are not like me, You do not know how I perceive the world, You have no right to evaluate me. I am telling this to all who called me a troll and attacked me for no reason other than ruin my mood.

    If you want help me open up to the society, then talk to me. Dialogue with people is the perfect ‘cure’ for an Aspie to me, the best way to make an Aspie feel better in a society, and the best way to help an Aspie deal with his weaknesses. Dialogue is the support and help I can receive from anyone who wants to allow me tell my tale.

    Talk to me. There will be no sin in that. And You might get some unique experience. Asperger made my life interesting. Hard, but interesting. And that’s a beautiful thought.